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Constant Battle

The guilt of my actions is constantly on my mind. The overwhelming love that my husband seems to have for me makes me feel even worse. He's willing to work through all of this and to make sure that I can get better. But there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about what has happened or how he may feel or what I've been putting him through. He stands by me and makes sure that I have everything that I need to get better emotionally. I feel like the medications I'm on are not working and I need to try something different. I go through each day and wake up and hope for the next time I can go back to bed. I don't want to live like this so I'm hoping that it goes away soon. I have an appointment with my doctor this week and maybe she will have some insight. My mind keeps telling me what a piece of shit I am. How worthless I am and how my husband deserves more than this. The battle in my mind is constant. Going through counseling I have realized that a
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The beginning?

I'm not sure where to begin. I always knew something was off with myself ever since I could form an understanding about my mind. I remember being as young as 13 or 14 years old. I'd lie awake at night wondering about death, how was it going to happen, where I was going to go....even though I was raised in the Christian faith. But nothing shut my mind off and I couldn't control it. There's a lot of stuff that I would worry about and it wouldn't go away. When I was about 15 years old I developed a lot of feelings where I did not belong. I didn't feel complete. I thought that religion would help it. I joined the church being a teen pastor and I did all the things that my school taught me would make me happy. But it didn't work. I never got that happiness I never got that completeness even though I sought out God and made sure I was doing everything right. My life wasn't where I wanted to be and the feeling didn't improve for a long time. I would hope th
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